There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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