Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
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He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
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WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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