All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
