dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
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I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
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BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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