Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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