apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
