just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
