One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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