if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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