I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
