i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
