"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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