Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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