hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
