Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
