This beer is not sobering me up at all
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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