I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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