He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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