i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
