Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
