Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
