Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
last night I used snow as a chaser
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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