He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Randomize
