The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
