As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
