i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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