The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
