you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
