is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
