I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
