so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
