my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
