Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Let's paint friendship bongs
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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