I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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