I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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