i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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