Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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