i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
