we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
NoShamevember. You game?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
