I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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