i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
