At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
