Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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