so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
she looked like the before picture.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
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Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
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Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.