I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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