Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
