Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
