God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
