saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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