i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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