new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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