i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
