if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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