remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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