i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Everything about him screamed your future.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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