The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
