life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
