So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
