hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
